Twilight Karma

As someone who is in the business of “changing the world,” it’s interesting that some people really believe it is possible to leave the room in a dignified state of being after humiliating, disrespecting, and undermining those with whom they are disentangling with in the most cowardly manner, and don’t realize how this, in all actuality, shifts paradigms, and is not just undignified, but cowardly.

I used to believe positive change was possible. That people are, even if sometimes misguided, inherently good. But how do you reconcile bad behaviour with reality, especially when the other person makes you ultimately grovel, trying to earn their respect? You don’t reconcile anything, because the motions and wheels of negative change are already put in motion by their behaviour and by your incapability to realize that groveling is pathetic, regardless of however much they think they can still leave the room respectfully, and you will remain intact. 

I am reminded of Gandhiji’s words, inscribed on the coffee cup I drink out of every day, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  And sometimes at a time of loss, when there is change and shifts in the way memories are re-imagined and the way you choose to containerize everything which happened, it is important to remember Gandhiji’s words… that you can’t ever change other people, you can change laws and host tribunals and prosecute people for crimes, but when there is no crime committed and the only horrible thing is that someone fails to treat you as a dignified human being and think their own dignity is intact after doing so, then what do you do with the loss at hand? The change that has occurred, the ideals which have shattered?

Because at the end of the day, loss is what defines a person’s life. It is what remains within us, when all is lost, that helps us articulate how we want to see ourselves, why it is important to remain true to who we are, and what we want to be.

Change is important and things are always changing, and trying to save the world, to change it even one person at a time even when we have been virtually stubbed out and slapped, even when all is lost and we have been the victim of abuse and pettiness, especially when nothing makes sense… perhaps that’s really what defines humanity, and drives our potentials to have faith in ourselves and in others…

or a tribute to my “martyred” uncle, a year after the BDR Mutiny.

Stop alienating people.
Be friendly.
Be nice.
Or nicer.
Be nice all the time because that’s your means of creating good karma in the cosmos.
Give it your all.

You have to trust me, it’s going to be fine.

When I leave you
to exercise my freedom, sweet peach.

When I come into your room like a thief in the middle of the night.
Just trust me because I am still worth trusting, like all of us were worth trusting, regardless of how I don’t engage, don’t communicate on major issues.
because i can’t sweet peach. you must understand that you are asking for too much.

It’s going to be fine because it’s always fine.
It was fine when your uncles shot Sheikh Mujib and his entire family.
bestiality with bestiality.

It was fine that you gave it all for your country, and then the country’s idiots responded by murdering you and burying you in a shallow grave because you had worked so hard.
To become martyred.

It was fine when they held you at gunpoint and asked if you were Muslim.
It was fine when they thought you were Hindu and threw a glass bottle at you when you were five years old.
It was fine that you used to count bodies as a pastime after major hurricanes as a game with your sisters.
It was fine. It was all fine because your salvation is through trust and faith and believing in fate and destiny and karma.

It is fine because you should just trust and not stress
and trust and not stress
and
forgive
forgive
forgive
because that’s what humans do.

Anything else ruins the patterns of social reproduction.

Why would you want to communicate before making major decisions.
Why would you want to talk it out?
You wouldn’t because you don’t know how to.
The country didn’t, the fathers, the sisters, the uncles, the mofos, none of them did. So why should you?

Get help. Wait, only get the kind of help that is underground because anything else is too main stream and too systematic (and might suggest you are trying to assimiliate- oh the horrors).

Don’t talk. Wait, talk, but don’t mention anything significant like you asked me to trust and yet you treated me like dirt when i trusted.

So please stop trying to ask me for forgiveness. I will never forgive you, because you asked me to trust, and I really tried. You said I should love you. And I really did. And you said you really loved me, and I really believed you.

And now, on top of everything that has occurred, you want me to forgive you. Just like how everyone wants me to forgive them so they can be guilt-free, move on like they did the right thing, because that’s what we humans do in the face of confrontation: Run away, call it moving on.

It’s sick.
It’s as sick as me still crying, like a wounded animal, for my violent master

After it’s over
over
over
And he is continuing to add fuel to my funeral pyre.

When the CEO of AIG sleeps at night, I wonder if he actually feels crummy for all the money that he stole from the taxpayers.

It sucks that people have been losing their jobs everywhere you look, and yet AIG stands tall. I don’t know why they are my focus for the moment, but it’s been a rough week.

I work in the Wall Street area, and I find myself troubled by all the wealth, the glitter, even the excessive paper trashing during the Yankee win, when my workplace, and every workplace I know of, is having financial problems which may cause them to close their doors.

What kind of stories does nature tell?

I’ve been wondering this all spring, and decided to walk more than I ever have, and discovered quite a few along the way…

Is your procrastination related to a project? or is it a habit?

To remedy procrastination:

Begin with one, modest project
Answer these basic questions
Keep the answers before you as you mark your progress:

What do you want to do?

• What is the final objective, the end result?
  It may be obvious, or not

• What are the major steps to get there?
  Don’t get too detailed:  think big

• What have you done so far?
  Acknowledge that you are already part of the way, 
  even if it is through thinking!  
  The longest journey begins with a first step

Why do you want to do this?

• What is your biggest motivation?
  Do not concern yourself if your motivation is negative!
  This is honest and a good beginning.  
  However, if your motivation is negative, 
  re-phrase and re-work it until it is phrased positively

• What other positive results will flow from achieving your goal?
  Identifying these will help you uncover 
  benefits that you may be avoiding:  Dare to dream!

List out what stands in your way

• What is in your power to change?

• What resources outside yourself do you need?
  Resources are not all physical (i.e. tools and money), 
  and include time, people/professionals/elders, even attitude

• What will happen if you don’t progress?
  It won’t hurt to scare yourself a little…

Develop your plan, list

• Major, realistic steps
  A project is easier when it is built in stages;
  Start small;
  Add detail and complexity as you achieve and grow

• How much time each will take
  A schedule helps you keep a progress chart 
  and reinforce that there are way-stations on your path

• What time of day, week, etc. you dedicate yourself
  to work.  This helps you
  develop a new habit of working,
  build a good work environment, and
  distance distractions (It is much easier to enjoy your project when distractions are set aside.)

• Rewards you will have at each station
  and also what you will deny yourself until you arrive at each station

• Build in time for review
  Find a trusted friend, elder, or expert to help you 
  motivate yourself or monitor progress

Admit to:

• False starts and mistakes as learning experiences
  They can be more important than successes, 
  and give meaning to “experience”

• Distractions and escapes
  Do not deny they exist, but deny their temptation

• Emotion
  Admit to frustration when things don’t seem to be going right
  Admit that you have had a problem, but also that you are doing something about it

• Fantasy
  See yourself succeeding

Finally, if procrastination is a habit of yours:
Focus on the immediate task and project, and build up from there.
Each journey begins with one step.